Blended Families

I want you to think of your family structure growing up. Were your parents separate or together? Did you have a step parent? A divorce is never easy it is always complicated. It’s complicated for the parents and its complicated on the children. For example, the parents have to have the talk with their children and tell them that they are getting a divorce. When a parent tells their children, they are getting a divorce they are literally tearing up one of the only worlds that child has ever known. I want you to imagine having your parents tell you that they were breaking up. If my parents decided to get a divorce now, even now at the age of twenty I would be heart-broken I don’t think I would know how to act. I think I might even start to think what is love? Having grown up hearing them say “I love you” all the time and then them getting a divorce would be gut-wrenching. Children have a hard time as well some even start to act out. One of my good friend’s parents got a divorce when we were in elementary school and she acted out all the time. It was one of the ways she knew how to get attention from her parents. After all, they were always too busy fighting they never gave her any attention. Even though it may be hard for the parents, but they need to stay in good contact with one another. It is for the benefit of their children their children. One of the reasons it could be so hard because if the father is dating someone and he has to keep in contact with his ex-wife how do you think his girlfriend would feel. It is just very complicated. 

            Not only are divorces hard but they are also very expensive in 2005 the average divorce in California costs 125,000. That is a lot of money! After the parents are split up it takes about two years for the children to use to having two Christmases in a year and only one parent being at their birthday party. It is a very hard obstacle for a child to overcome and two years are being the average for a child to overcome it. Can you imagine having all these family traditions and then all of this sudden you are breaking up the traditions that is heartbreaking as a child. I loved having family traditions growing up. It helped us become more united as a family. Not having a parent there would be a hard thing to overcome.

            When people get a divorce and they marry someone new so then their children have a step parent. It can be complicated for a stepparent to feel welcome into a house where children don’t really like them as much. They often wonder how they fit in with parenting. When really it should just be the biological parent that disciplines the child. This is because the child most of the times won’t listen to the stepparent they might say something like “you aren’t my parent, you can’t tell me what to do.” The stepparent should be equivalent to the aunt or uncle. If they are like a good aunt or uncle, the children are more willing to tell them things and not be so closed off. When the child does this the step parent should counsel with the biological parent and talk about how the child is feeling. These two people are going to have to counsel a lot more than any other couple.

parenting

Did you like the way you were brought up? The way your parents raised you? There is no such thing as a perfect parent. A lot of times children don’t like the way they were brought up and they tell themselves that they will not raise their future children the way they were raised. Lots of people don’t really know what to expect with parenting. Becoming parents one can learn so many things. They start to understand children and understand how much God can love someone. Having children also helps give an order to our lives. They prioritize things to do throughout the day. Parents need to realize that children have there owned personal needs and need to fill attachment need. They need to have those requirements fulfilled because if they don’t then they can have some issues. Let’s say that Bobby doesn’t get enough attention at home so he acts out in school and gets sent to the principal's office. The principal then calls Bobbie's parents and they have to talk to the principle and Bobby to figure out why Bobby is acting out all the time. It turns out that Bobby just doesn't get enough attention at home and getting into trouble at school is the only way Bobby can get his parents attention. Children need attention that is one way children feel loved. Could you imagine your parents both working and are never home and when they were home they were always on the phone with some and never paying any attention to you could you see how that would have such a big impact on your child.

            Some things that are important to teach your children is responsibility and respect. Without learning any responsibility as a child, they will not learn how to grow up and take care of themselves. going to college I have seen some people who don't really know how to do the basic things. I have met someone who never knew how to start the dishwasher before she came up to college because her mother always did it. Growing up and loading and starting the dishwasher was a choir that the young children got to do. My parents taught us how to do small and simple choirs when we were young and when we got older we got to do things like moe the lawn. I think you have to start teaching your kids how to work at a young age so that when there a teenager they won't complain as much as they would if they had never worked a day in there lives. As for respect that is also very important if you don't teach your kids to have respect at a young age how do you think they will respect you when they are teenagers? Teaching kids to have respect for there elderly and not talking back is something I think all children should be taught. 

            Children need to feel like they belong somewhere they need to feel like they can bring something to the table. When a child doesn't feel like they belong it will be very ruff of them. Growing up one of my friends didn't fit in with her siblings she always felt like the black sheep of the family. It was always sad to see and to hear about. Something that I think is important is to offer contact freely. When your child needs a hug to give them a hug and when they don't need a hug still give them a hug to let them know that they are loved. Let children make some of their own choices if it's not too far in the distance and if they are safe. If we don't do those things you can start to see Rebellion in you child and that is something that no parent wants to see in their child.

Fathers

Blog 10

I want you to think about your childhood and what kind of father figure you had. Did you have a father figure in the home? Fathers have such a big impact on their children. The world tends put fathers down by saying that they are stupid. For example, if you were to go onto Disney channel and watch some of those shows the husband is always being torn done they parents normally don’t agree on things. Studies have actually shown that fathers have a big influence on their daughter’s growth. Mothers and fathers tend to teach their kids different things, mothers might teach their kids how to be kind and loving where a dad might teach his children to work hard and when someone is mean to them he teaches them that they need to stand up for themselves. One that I hear dads tell their little boys quite often “boys is don’t cry.” Something my father taught me was to work hard. He taught us that work comes before play. That is something I think that it is very important and lots of kids are losing their willingness to work. They just expect everyone to do everything for them. Dads pick up their kids and help them stand back on their feet. I remember growing up when my dad would say “I’m so proud of you” It was just so meaningful to me that my dad would say that to me I remember feeling so accomplished once he would tell me how proud he was. Fathers also have such a big impact on their sons. A good father role model will teach them to work hard and the proper way to treat a woman. There have actually been studies that show girls tend to marry people who are like their fathers.

 Some People don’t have the opportunity to have a father in the home, so it is very important that some another man step in whether it be an uncle or grandpa. That will help a lot more than it would without any man for a young boy to look up to. If they just turned to the television instead of an actual person that they look up to, they might start to think that it is okay cheat on their future wife. 

Think of what a father means to you. A father to me is someone I can turn to when times get hard. Someone I can turn to and he will listen to what I have to say and gives me his two senses. People have different thoughts on how a father should act in the home. Some kids grow up with their mom working out of the home and their dad is the stay at home parents. Some kids are not very close to their dad they might not have a good connection. Lots of people think that kids that grew up without a father figure in the home won’t be a very good dad that is not necessarily true my dad grew up without a father in his home one of his oldest brothers was a fatherly figure to him, and I think that he did a great job raising my siblings and I. I think my dad has done a great job with being a father with a very little example in front of him. It is a common thing for people to not want kids because lots of people think that it will ruin their fun adventures lives. There was a study Dave Urbanskiit says that “the men asked, more than 8 in 10 replied that they’ve always wanted to be fathers of think they’d like to be fathers someday.” 

Urbanski, Dave. “Father's Day Question: 'Do Most Men Really Want to Be Dads?' Survey Says...” TheBlaze, TheBlaze, 16 June 2013, www.theblaze.com/stories/2013/06/15/fathers-day-question-do-most-men-really-want-to-be-dads-survey-says.

Communication and Problem Solving

When somebody freaks out at you how do you normally respond? You might  get defensive and argue back that does not solve anything. The only way you will come to an agreement is if you talk through it. One way you can talk through an argument is by saying these words “When you__________ I feel_________, Because____________. I would like___________. For example, if your boyfriend had to correct you on everything that you were saying to your sister you could have a private conversation and say. When you always correct me I feel really stupid, because you are always correcting me if I get one small fact wrong. I would really like if you could stop correcting me all the time. It may be hard to do this but if you do this you will see a change in your relationship. Effective communication is key. Growing up I would mumble all the time and my brother would raise his voice, so I could hear him and say “what? I can’t hear you!” But, by the tone of his voice I thought he was mad at me so then I would just say “never mind” Years later I finally told him that I though he was made at me when really, he wasn’t It was just his way of telling me he couldn’t hear what I was saying. HE then stopped talking so loudly when he couldn’t hear what I was saying. Talking things out always makes everything better but when you decide to not talk about things it will never get better. I think one of the problems now a days is that we text so much and when somebody texts us we cannot tell if they are mad at us or not. For example, when somebody just says “okay.” with a period right after it I think they are mad or when somebody Just says “K” I also think they might be mad at me. When really, they aren’t. It can cause another augment if you don’t talk about it. You can simply ask them later if they were mad and if they were asking them why. People need to be communicating. Now a day’s people don’t communicate. While walking to class I see so many people walking around with their ear buds in not talking to anyone just ln their own little world listening to their music and it just kind of sad to see. Small talk is not as big of a thing anymore everyone just goes to what they are comfortable with being on their phone instead of talking to somebody.   

            When some buddy says something that you get so annoyed with, and you just want to storm out of the room use the disarming technique. The disarming technique is when you find one thing they said to be true. It is hard to do but it is very possible. Then have some empathy. Ask more about it talk about it. Then do the I feel statement, then expresses genuine appreciation. Doing this will fix the problems that you are having.   

            Another thing we learned in class that was something thought was kind of interesting was people are needy if you don’t have needs there is something wrong with you, everyone has needs. But nobody wants to come across as needy, everybody thinks that needy people are annoying. I have never really thought of it that way.

            

coping with hard situations

How do you and your family deal with coping? Do you guys communicate, or do you not talk about the problems? Everybody copes with things differently some people might shut down some might get angary and explode. I know for me when I get really mad at someone I tend to shut down and not really want to talk to them for a little bit. But both of those response are not really good to have when coming across difficult circumstances. The best, but the hardest way to act is to act calmly and not push it to the side. We have to remember to talk about things. Communication is always key to successful relationships. When we don’t talk about things, that is when problems start to pile up and more damage can and will happen. For example, if I got mad at my sister for being fifteen minutes late to the bus stop and that she made me wait in the blazing hot sun. I could act out and yell or I could be mad and shut down. If I would have stayed cool calm and collected, then I could have found out that her dog she had for ten years just passed away. If I would have yelled at her I would have felt bad and if I would have shut down and ignored her I also would have felt bad that I was not there to listen to her. We may not get to choose our circumstances, but we do get to choose our thoughts. There might be the same people in an event, but they might take away a different experience from that event. Let’s say your girlfriend started to work more hours so she could afford the Christmas gift you really want. But in your head, you are thinking what did I do to make her be so distant from me? When really, she is just trying to make you happy and you didn’t do anything wrong. It could pull you guys apart. The way you react to things is very important it is something that you should be mindful of, people can read and take t certain things away from what you said. This last winter I was in the hospital freaking out coming up with the worst circumstances in my head, it was freaking me out. I did not get to choose that circumstance, but I did get to choose my thoughts if I would have not jumped to conclusions so fast  and to keep thinking about it I would not have been freaking out so much. We can either choose to be positive in difficult decisions or we can think negatively. When we think about it more it hurts us more and when it hurts us more we take away a more negative point of view on in. Thinking negatively never does anything good. When your hunting dog gets a snout full of porky pine spikes do you start to think that your hunting dog is useless because he might not be able to smell as good. You might start to think that way but you can change the way you think. It’s so important to know that you can control the way you think. Lots of people don’t relies that you can control the ways you think when bad or scary things happen. Coping is more than just getting by its how we react. 

Never Stop Loving

Growing up did your parents ever give you “the talk”? Lots of kids have grown up not getting the sex talk from their parents because it’s too awkward and their parents don’t want to bring it up. Lots of my friends didn’t get “the talk” from their parents. They just learned things from friends and tv shows.  I remember getting the talk and wanting to die inside. It made me feel uncomfortable talking about these things with my parents. But the way they told me was in such a way that it was sacred, and they taught me that it was something to only be done between marriage. I think a great thing to do is to talk about these things more often than just once, talk about these things when your kids are young. Make it age appropriate, then as they get older you can explain more to them. This will help when the time comes that they have questions they won’t feel awkward asking you guys questions. You should want your kids to ask you questions instead of them going to the internet or friends. When they go to those they will learn the wrong things about sex. I think that it is very important that teenagers know that sex is sacred, and you only do it with your spouse. 

I think it is kind of crazy to think that one of the commandments that God gave us was to not commit adultery but adultery happens so much these days. People are having affairs left and right. Something that I have never really thought about was having and emotional affair. An emotional affair is when you go to someone other than your spouse with information that you should be telling your spouse not your good friend. Your spouse should be there for you and you should be there for your spouse. Marriage is not always a piece of pie it is something you two have to work on. You need to talk through your problems together before you go to anyone else. I have seen lack of communication ruin relationships. Instead of talking to each other they would talk to their close friends and it gets really hectic. Communication is key to a relationship.

Another thing that I think is very important is touch. Never ever stop holding hands or kissing. My parents are a very good example of this they hold hands in the car they hold hands walking through the stores, when my dad goes off to work he kisses my mom goodbye. I have seen some couples stop being all lovey dovey once they get married and then their relationship does not go as well as it would if they would let each other know that they love each other. I think it is also really important to eat as much meals together as a family as possible. That is where you catch up on every one’s days. Another thing is to keep going on dates. Even when you have kids, go on dates it. You need to give attention to your spouse. Sometimes it can be hard with a house full of kids, but you need to remember give attention to your spouse. I have seen this in my life.  One of my friend’s mom gave all her attention to her kids so much that her spouse was feeling left out and then he turned to his coworker at work who gave him attention. My friend’s parents ended up getting a divorce. You need to remember the small and simple things good bye kisses and eating meals together. 

Homosexual understanding

I want you to think back to when you were a kid what kind of toys did you play with? Did your parents enforce you to play with certain toys? For me growing up I played with baby dolls and barbies. My brothers played with trucks and army men. My room had flowers painted on it everywhere, my brothers room had footballs and basket balls painted everywhere. Some people might think that my parents disapproved when we played with the opposite gender toys, but they didn’t. I can remember playing Legos with my brothers, and if I was lucky I could get my brothers to play house with me. I found it very interesting that there was a study on how children actually picked toys specific to their own gender. The  study showed that children actually picked the toys specific to their gender before they even knew what gender was. https://www.acsh.org/news/2016/07/22/infants-prefer-toys-by-gender?utm_source=email%20marketing%20Mailigen&utm_campaign=News%207.29.16&utm_medium=email

 In my class we were talking about how children are raised and how that might impact their sexuality, or even if they were born that way. I heard that so much in high school. I was not educated on this topic at all. Whenever someone would ask me if homosexual people  were born that way or not my reply was always “I have no clue.” I feel like a lot of my friend’s replies were that they were born that way. I thought it was rather interesting if a boy likes to make things with his mom and does not like to get dirty it’s kind of looked down upon but if a girl goes outside and rolls around in the dirt and likes boy things it is cute and okay. Once a boy gets to the age where he gets teased for not being good at soccer or not liking to wrestle. He feels like he is different from the other boys. This is where everything kind of starts to happen. For some guys it can start because they were abused. I was so shocked by that, but it totally makes sense. They don’t get the attention form their father, so they search for that attention somewhere else. In some other cases they were molested as a child or teased and told that they were gay. That makes me so sad that people molest children and that our words can have such a big impact on other people. I never knew that some people only act on being gay because they didn’t fit in and they were told that they are gay. I also learned that some homosexual people don’t want to have feelings for the same gender. There is this really cool video called “Understanding Same-Sex  Attraction” It is a really good video if you want to understand homosexual people better. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jJhyzqdzpnM

 In the video they talked about how unhappy they were when they were homosexual but when they changed it actually hired their self of esteem. I didn’t realize that they had so much health problems. I found it very interesting that some people think they tend to have more health issues because they are not excepted and if the world were to except them the health issues would go down. They also talked about a study done with identical twins to see if they were both homosexual or not. Because after all they have the exact genes so if one was gay the other must have to be 100 % homosexual too. The study shows that the other twin was only 11% homosexual. So therefore, they can’t be born gay.

Works cited

“Infants Prefer Toys By Gender.” 40 Years Ago, GMO Insulin Was Controversial Also | American Council on Science and Health, www.acsh.org/news/2016/07/22/infants-prefer-toys-by-gender?utm_source=email%2Bmarketing%2BMailigen&utm_campaign=News%2B7.29.16&utm_medium=email.

“Understanding Same-Sex Attraction.” YouTube, YouTube, 7 Nov. 2013, www.youtube.com/watch?v=jJhyzqdzpnM.

parents love for their children

Do you think that there are still social classes? There are still social classes whether you like it or not. We can define class through careers, appearance, behaviors, locations and the stuff they own. Have you ever  noticed how really rich people and really poor people have the similar issues? When I first heard this, I was shocked. But it totally makes sense now. Rich people want more and more so they get people to watch their kids. Poor people have the issue with not making enough money, so they have to work a lot, so they can’t stay home with their kids.  In our class we watched some videos of people a who were in the lower spectrum who wanted their children to have a better life they did things like worked more hours. The mother plays a big role in teaching the children things like how to clean, behave, and be responsible. When the mother is not in the home it can have a big impact on the kids.

I want you to think what has your family done for you to have a better life? How have they suffered so you can have a better life? Mothers and fathers will do anything for their children. They don’t like to see their children be in pain or to be needing things they can’t afford. My parents both didn’t come from very rich families. My dad had nine other siblings raised in a father less home. So, they did not have much. He would tell us stories of his mom putting water in the ketchup bottle to make it last longer. My dad worked hard to come to where he is now. He went to work right after high school. He worked multiply jobs when my parents first were married for the first few years. He now has his own business. I would say that my dad’s hard work has paid off, he can now take my mom on a fun trip some place tropical. When people are struggling through life it can actually be a good thing because when you struggle that is when you grow the most. Most people don’t think of struggling that way. They think of if as a bad thing. When you work for things in life it is that much better. Let’s say you were not very good at baking so you go buy a cake for your mom’s birthday she would like it, but it can only be so good because its store bought. But if you struggled to bake your mom’s family recipe for cake from scratch she would enjoy it more to you and her. Working hard on something and seeing it pay of can be one of the most joyful things ever.

            This last week we talked about immigration and why so many people do it illegally. I have never realized how difficult it is. How hard it is on the families. They do this, so the children can have a better life. There have been studies where Mexican families were happier in Mexico because they had enough money to get by and be happy and had their extended family. But once they come to the US they leave their extended family. They then go from mom not working to mom and dad working because it is more expensive to live in the US. And the jobs they do get are crummy because they can’t find a good job because they don’t speak English and are illegal. So now moms as dad’s lives aren’t the best because they both come home grumpy from a long day of work. But they do this all for their children, so they can get a good education learn English and have a better life. Most parents will literally do anything for their children.

family system

Imagine you are babysitting some children and their parents are not super strict on their rules for their kids. So, their children learn to be free spirits.  You are babysitting these kids and they are jumping form couch to couch, and hanging upside down from their bunkbeds. You then tell them to stop because you don’t want to take a trip to the ER. They don’t listen, and while that is going on the other kids are throwing cheese balls at one another making a Cheetos mess! You are now kind of freaking out because nobody is listening to you. When there are limited rules the family is not as strong as it could be. Families function off of rules. Rules are a very important necessity in a family. Without them children will learn to walk all over their parents.  Lots of the time rules are not posted on the wall like what chores you have to do for the week. In my family we had rules like keeping our cellphones in the kitchen when we had to go to bed. (so we would not stay up on our phones all night.) Or being home by curfew every night knowing if I missed it I would get grounded. Knowing that if I didn’t follow the rules there would be consequences. One of the big rules was not talking back to my mom and dad. Sometimes as young teens me and my siblings did not follow this rule very well. After all, we were teens and thought we were always right. When we didn’t follow this rule, you would notice it throughout the whole house, everybody was moody and not happy. You know the saying “when moms not happy nobodies happy” it is very true how somebodies attitude can change other people’s attitudes.

             Everybody has a different perspective on how families should be, but I think families are kind of like a system. For example, if you don’t have oil in your car then, you will run into some serious issues, and it will mess up your engine. If mom and dad aren’t getting along it then has a huge impact on the rest of the family. I have seen this in my own life, one of my friend’s parents were always arguing. It then made their children act out because the parents weren’t giving them the attention they needed. If one part of the “System” in the family acts out it impacts the whole thing. Growing up I would get into an argument with my sister and it would just put a depressing vibe out on everything. I then figured out at a young age that arguing never fixes anything talking it through nicely works, but arguing never works. Moms and dads have a big part in keeping the family together they have such a big impact on children and how they will turn out. Something my mom and dad has always told me was to “remember who you are and that your actions represent the Fox family.”

 Just the other day I was at a grocery store and I was waiting in line the checkout line and this little five-year-old was crying and throwing a tantrum. I was not really shocked, because that is when the mother paid more attention to her then to her phone. I Think parents should limit themselves the amount of technology they use so they can give more attention to their children. I understand that you get busy. Everyone has busy lives but your children need to know that you are listening and paying attention to them. 

the family

          Has anyone ever told you that having a child was a burden, or your life will basically be over when they are born. I have been told these things when really those aren’t true at all. In high school I was told that I shouldn’t want to have a lot of kids, because I wouldn’t be able to love them all the same. Children are a gift from God and a blessing to have. Granted sometimes when you can’t get your baby to sleep at night it can be easy to think they’re not a blessing, but they are a huge blessing! Next time you get the chance to hold a baby in your arms just think of how innocent and pure they are.

 It’s sad to see that families are having less and less kids. This census shows how much it is changing. https://www.census.gov/population/socdemo/hh-fam/tabHH-6.pdf

 People come up with all these other excuses like the world is so corrupt why would I want to bring children into this world.  It’s so expensive to have kids we don’t have enough money for kids. These are just excuses you can work around these things it may take a lot of hard work, but in the end, it will be worth it. My parents are a great example of this they were so poor when they first got married, that did not convince them to not have children. My dad worked two jobs and my mom worked at home, so she could stay home with the kids. Twenty-eight years later they have six children, and my dad can now pick his hours. Hard work really does pays off. 

 Studies have been showing that the household sizes are going down a lot. In a book called Marriage and Family the Question for Intimacy eight edition it says, “By 1960, the average was 3.3 people, and by 2008 the figure was 2.56” (pg.12) It could be going down because people are getting married at later ages, then they used to and are having children at later ages which means less kids. Studies have actually showed that people are getting married when they get older. For women the average age is 28 and for men the average age is 30 (Ben Steverman) https://www.bloomberg.com/news/articles/2017-07-28/why-you-re-being-invited-to-fewer-weddings?cmpId=flipboard

I think that for some people it is just too scary to get married and settle down. Having to be responsible for bringing money and food to the table for other people and not just yourself can be a terrifying thing. People being scared to get married is a totally normal thing. I’ve been told by a lot of people that Marriage is not just some walk in the park it takes a lot of work to working things out between your spouse. I have seen this in my own life growing up my parents might not have agreed on something, but they would talk it out and get on the same page. Communication is very important, and I think that communication is a big problem now a day because divorce rates are getting higher and higher. It’s a lot easier to get a divorce now then it was back in the 50’s. Back then you had to have proof that your partner had something wrong now all you need to say is that you don’t love each other anymore. http://historycooperative.org/the-history-of-divorce-law-in-the-usa/

growing up some of my friend’s parents got divorces and it was hard to see my friend’s parents split, because it has such a bad impact on the children’s life no matter how old they are. If my parents were to get a divorce I wouldn’t know what to do with myself and I’m no longer living under the same roof as them. 

Hey guys! My name is Kylie Fox I am from Washington state, and I'm currently a freshman at BYU Idaho. I am studying Child Development and thought it would be a good idea to take a class about family relations. I think the materials I will be learning in this class will be very beneficial to lots of people. I hope this blog may help you guys in your personal lives.